“I don’t know, Bob, it isn’t moving.”
“It’s fine. Leave it alone.”
“But it’s… I can’t just leave it.”
“Sheri, leave it be.”
“But Bob, I don’t think you’re hearing me…”
“What is so serious about this thing?”
“I think it’s dead, Bob!”
“Naaaaaaaw.”
“YES. I’m being serious.”
“Noooooooo…”
“It’s not moving at all!”
“Nu-uuuuuuuuh…”
“It was moving before and now it’s not moving!”
“Oh come on, how can you tell?”
“Because I’m LOOKING at it Bob.”
“What are you some kinda expert?”
She gives him a look. Mistake, Bob.
“Alright, lemme see.”
“You don’t need to look very long, Bob, I noticed right away.”
“Yeah but I wanna be sure.”
“I AM sure, it’s dead!”
“Nooooo…”
“It’s dead! You telling me you don’t think it’s dead?”
“Just lemme, hang on, I just gotta…”
“BOB. I can’t take this, you need to do something.”
A double take at her.
“Say whaaaaaa—“
She wears a silent gasp.
“Well I’m not dealing with it mySEL. F. BOB.”
Slow turn back to the terrarium.
“You may be right…”
“Don’t make me kick your ASS Bob, it’s dead. You gotta deal with it.”
“What do you want meeee to do, Sheri?”
“Maybe some INPUT. You DOLT. It’s only been like half an hour.”
“But it’s not my FAULT.”
“Oh ho ho no you don’t, no you don’t with that shit, you’re not just some innocent bystander.”
“Are you seeeerious, nuh uh! YOU dropped the thing!”
“YOU opened the tank!”
“Whoa whoa whoa, don’t try to pin this on me, I didn’t…”
“Bob! You opened the tank!”
“Sheri opening the tank didn’t kill the damn thing! I wanted to take a look at it, I picked it up, and I handed it to you!”
“BOB YOU THREW IT AT ME.”
“HEY HEY HEY, that is NOT fair, I did NOT throw it at you.”
“You screamed! You screamed like a bitch!”
“Now that is just not fair, I really don’t appreciate that…”
“You picked it up, and it started to move, and you screamed like a little bitch girl, and you CHUCKED it at me.”
“Oh Sheri the theatrics, puh-leeez…”
“You think I’m exaggerating? You wanna hear what you sounded like? Huh?”
“Sheri don’t…”
“HUH?”
“Stop…”
She does it.
“I did NOT sound like that, that’s ridiculous.”
She does it again.
“STOP. SHERI.”
“And then you threw it at me.”
A beat, finally.
“Admit it.”
Another beat.
“Fine.”
“Thank you.”
“But YOU were the last one to hold it.”
“That doesn’t mean SHIT Bob. So now you gotta decide what to tell her.”
“Sheri, what?”
“What’s the story, huh?”
“Well EYE don’t know.”
“What, did we walk in from the next room and it was like that?”
“No, it…”
“Did some raccoon get in here or something and fight it?”
“Fight it?”
“Was there a freak accident with the DVD player?”
“Sheri what are you TALKING about?”
“What’s the story BAAAAHB?”
“It was ME. Good Lord Sheri, I just wanna tell her the truth.”
“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait no you can’t.”
“Why not?”
“She’ll never talk to us again.”
“Oh come on—“
“She’ll be so angry. She loves this thing.”
A moment of contemplation.
“Bob I’m serious. She’ll be so so mad.”
“But things happen, she’s gotta learn…”
“What Bob? She’s gotta learn that your parents are gonna kill the things you love?”
“Well, no, that’s not, she won’t…”
“She WILL Bob. You want to teach her that her daddy screams like a little bitch girl?”
“STOP saying that.”
“That her big strong daddy is afraid of an itsy witsy spider?”
“Itsy witsy!! It’s huge!”
“Oh it is not that big…”
“I THOUGHT…I dunno, I thought if Meredith can love it I thought maybe…”
“Bob just let the girl live her life! You don’t have to be involved in everything!”
“That’s not…I’m not trying to be involved, I’m trying to…”
“Pry?”
“No, jeez, no, I’m trying to…connect!”
“Goodness Bob, why did you have to do it while she’s not here?”
“Well what the hell were YOU doing? You egged me on!”
“So what!”
“You made me do it!”
Uproarious, maniacal laughter. For like a little bit.
“I MAAAADE you do it?”
“You told me to!”
“Yeah but I didn’t maaaaake you do shit!”
“What do you MEAN?”
“Yeah, you were being a little bitch girl and you were aaaaaasking for me to make fun of you.”
“Oh please.”
“Yes! But I didn’t make you do SHIT.”
“PICK IT UP OR I’M LEAVING YOU? Sheri. Sheri. Come on.”
“Yeah maybe that was a bit far.”
“Yes! You can’t just say something like that!”
“Come on honey, you weren’t gonna do it otherwise…”
“A-HAAA! Aren’t you glad I did it NOW? Isn’t it great that the liiiiiiittle bitch girl picked up the iiiiiitsy witsy spider NOOOOOOW. Now that it’s DEAD?”
“Look you didn’t have to do it.”
He gives her this look.
“But maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”
“NO. YOU SHOULDN’T. I was trying to overcome something and now look what you made me do!”
“Overcome something! Yeah well that went well, didn’t it.”
“You MADE ME. Oh my God Sheri.”
“It took a long time to die, considering.”
“Good Lord!”
“Yeah I bet it suffered.”
“Why would you SAY that?”
“Because it’s true.”
“You’re STILL fucking with me! You have to stop!”
“Because I’m just thinking about how it KNEW.”
“Knew what?”
“That it got murdered by a liiiiiiittle bitch girl!”
“SHERI.”
Maniacal laughter times two.
“Sheri please.”
“Oh man Bob. You gotta figure out what to do with it.”
“You know what, I’m done. You figure it out. I’m just going to tell her. If you want to do something else with it, go for it.”
“Waiwaitwait Bob, no, I’m serious. We need to have our story straight.”
“I wanted to check out the spider, I picked it up, and I got freaked out and I threw it at you.”
“Jesus Bob.”
“Yeah wow that sounded so horrible when I said it out loud.”
“Yeah, no.”
“Like so horrible.”
“The truth hurts Bob.”
“I really just came in and killed Meredith’s favorite thing on purpose.”
“Well, not on purpose…”
“I picked it up on purpose!”
“You…yeah, that’s true…”
“Sheri!”
“What, you want me to lie to you right now?”
“No, I just, it’s different when you say it.”
“Bob you say that all the time, and right now, no it is NOT. Just because you can’t believe what a little bitch girl thing you did today doesn’t make it my fault for saying it.”
“I swear to God Sheri…”
“What, the little bitch girl thing?”
“YES. SHERI.”
She laughs again.